Suffering Succotash

One of the questions that plagues me daily is how much should I let Arden suffer? Whether we like it or not, suffering is a huge part of life. And I wonder, should I shelter her from as much suffering as possible or allow her to build up a tolerance?

When Arden was three days old we took her for the required visit to her pediatrician. He told us a lot of things and one of the things he said was that we can let her cry. The whole (warning, here I go with the over-hyphenating again) if-you-pick-up-your-baby-every-time-she-cries-you-will-spoil-her thing. So, against what every bone in my body and all my intuition was telling me, we let her cry in her crib at 2am and I went to take a shower. It was awful. As soon as I got out of the shower I ran in and picked her up knowing that it was way too soon for that kind of suffering.

Of course, now at 21 months, letting her cry in her crib is sometimes an option since she's no longer a newborn.  Even though I hate to see her cry and I empathize with her, I don’t think it’s a good idea for her to go through her childhood without learning the ropes.

In America’s Women by Gail Collins (NY Times Op Ed writer), Ms. Collins writes about the fascinating lives of women throughout our history in America.  When I want to feel smart, I dive in to read a bit.  One thing she discusses in the book is how prior to the Civil War, mothers allowed their young daughters to travel, carry on chaste love affairs (ah, those were the days) and return home from dances at 2am.  Mothers shielded their daughters from the truth that once they were married, they would basically become home-bound slaves that were expected to keep house and were not allowed to walk the streets alone. But then, the young women would marry and overnight become nothing more than cloistered housewives without any preparation or forewarning.  They often struggled to perform all the chores necessary in the 1800s (way beyond Swiffering) since they hadn’t been taught how to do it and they had to figure it all out in isolation. (pp. 137-138)

I don’t want something comparable to happen to Arden.  I know that life only gets more difficult as you get older.  I want Arden to have a fun and carefree childhood but there has to be a middle ground.  I don’t want her to lead a sheltered life as much as I hate to see her suffer.  It’s likely better for her to learn how to handle difficulties at home first before having to handle them out in the world.  Just surviving me should give her enough experience to prepare her for the world of hard knocks.