Confession #6: Staying or Going?

As any other role in life, being a stay at home mom sometimes makes me feel ecstatically happy while other times making me feel totally out-of-my-mind crazy.  Like check me into Bellevue to my heart is going to burst with joy. 

I became a SAHM (worst abbrev. ever) last August when my husband was offered a job with Apple. He gave me a gift I had always wanted.  The chance to be home and care for my already 13 month old daughter.  The funny thing is, I always had the expectation that I would be at home raising my children.  It was such a long existing and controlling expectation that I never even mentioned it to my husband.  I assumed he knew about it.  Whoops.  Probably one of the best things anyone who is married can do is to throw the phrase, “Well, I just assumed ________” out the window. To assume is to sufferer the consequences. 

So, for the past 5 months I’ve been living the dream and barely dreaming as those with kids well know.  All of those cheesy inspirational plaques with pictures of soaring eagles or waterfalls keep popping into my head. “Anything worth doing takes effort.”  Fly Pale Male, fly! Or, “Live each day to it’s fullest.” Oh, what a pretty rainbow. The reason they’ve been popping in there lately is because taking care of a baby is so much freaking work!! Sometimes it’s 8am and we’ve already eaten, done tricks with the dog, read 5 books, watched Elmo’s world, built a castle, played chase and had a dance party. All I can think of is its 5 degrees outside, I want more coffee and how am I going to keep her from watching TV for another 11 hours?  Every second you are teaching, disciplining, bathing, dressing, feeding, cleaning, changing diapers, brushing teeth, talking, singing, did I mention cleaning, and just literally running around all day.  It’s totally exhausting and absolutely as rewarding as people say it is.  You are putting in the hours and can see the reward.  Those little blue eyes look up at you with a sparkle as she giggles and calls you “Momma” and you just melt.  She can say the last word of every sentence in Madeline Loves Animals now.  She can sing, usually on pitch, some words from “Rocket Shoes”. They are among the most precious sounds I’ve ever heard.

Caring for Arden full-time makes having to leave her a completely different experience than when I was working.  Each morning when I would leave for work I would feel my heart being ripped out of my chest as I walked out the door.  Sometimes I could barely hold back the tears behind my smiles and waves.  Kyle would hear my sobbing as I walked down the stairs and I can only imagine what that did to him.  Now, on the other hand, when I leave the house I feel as though I’ve stepped onto the scene of a music video for a sassy rock song being shot in black and white where I am the girl who’s got the whole world as her oyster so watch out! Not only that but I am on my way to teach a rock band at a private school so I’m exercising that Master’s degree in Music (yea, we’re still paying it off) and I’ll tell ya, it feels good.

I call Kyle on the long walk back from the school on the East River to the subway on Lexington Avenue to see how everyone is faring.  Arden has been asleep the ENTIRE time I have been gone!  Of course she has…  He asks me where I am on my walk back and in my sans-child state of giddiness I reply, “on the corner of 1^st Avenue and I’m getting in a cab and never coming home!”  We can laugh since I’d never actually do it.

Confession #5: Bagels, Sanitation Workers and A Bloody Lip

I’m fairly certain that most people know how famous NYC is for its bagels.  They say it’s the water.  Whatever it is, we deserve to be known for them.  NYC bagels have the ability to blow your mind, if you get ‘em from the right place.  In Astoria, we have the Brooklyn Bagel & Coffee Company.  They have 3 locations in Astoria, 1 in Chelsea and ZERO in Brooklyn from what I can tell.  They just won the AOL City’s award for best bagel in NYC.  Residents of the UWS may feel this a heresy against H&H but don’t jump to that conclusion too quickly.  A comparison of the almighty everything bagel that I took upon myself over the past few months reveals the Brooklyn Bagel & Coffee Co. as the runaway winner.  I didn’t count specifically but the last H&H everything bagel I ate had about 80 kinda yummy bits to the approx. 500 extremely yummy bits on the Brooklyn everything bagel.  H&H bagels now cost about $10 each so it’s just another reason for me to buy local.

I have a love/hate relationship with our closest Brooklyn Bagel & Coffee Co. spot that dates back to this past summer.  I love it because it is somewhere nearby I can take Arden to.  Our first outing for bagels occurred in July when I called them at 6:01am to see if they were open yet.  I prayed that someone would pick up because my 1 year old was already driving me bananas!  It’s not even her fault.  She needed a change of scenery and I needed a red eye.

We went out into the already oppressive heat to get our breakfast. As soon as we began to dig into our food, the bagel shop became overrun with NYC sanitation department workers. I mean there were about 12 guys in there and me and Arden. They were all amazed at how much she was eating. They were also kind not to point out what a ridiculous mess she was making. It's hard to explain but at that point in time she got as much food on herself and the floor as she put into her mouth. The cute ringleader said Arden's eyes looked like, "Hey, who's that actress with those beautiful blue eyes, you know,... Annette Bening.  Yea. Her eyes look just like Annette Bening's. Well, she gets 'em from her mom". I'm pretty sure my cheeks were on fire from blushing so hard and I don't think the sanitation department carries hoses to extinguish that sort of thing.  I then realize that it's time for me to get going to work.  The only problem is that in my harried state of mind when leaving the house, I'd put on only a rather short yellow dress. So, I try to maintain my cool as I attempt to clean up Arden's mess without pulling a semi-Britney.

Last week we had another experience entirely at the BBCC. It began with the clerk calling me "baby".  I can assure you he was not referring to Arden. I was pissed. All I want is a bagel. Can I please just buy a bagel without a sexual reference? Maybe I should just be flattered that someone finds me attractive in head-to-toe snow gear with a baby strapped to my body. I don't know.

We sit down at a table and Arden strikes up a conversation with some very friendly people originally from Croatia and Montenegro. They are being so sweet to her, engaging her and complimenting her. Our bagels taste great. The XM coffee house radio station is playing some nice acoustic tunes. It's shaping up to be a lovely little outing after all when, "Achoo-BAM" Arden sneezes while reaching for a minuscule crumb and slams her face down onto the way-too-nice-quality-for-a-bagel-shop marble table. The whole place becomes silent as she lifts her head up and cries only a tiny bit. She's a toughy. She'd given herself a bloody lower lip and I felt like a terrible Momma. I know I can't prevent her from getting hurt but situations like that are the worst. Luckily, nothing can come between her and food so she happily took another sip of juice and seemed no worse for wear.

Self portrait from the bagel shop prior to bloody lip.

The sun also rises - Astoria, Queens

Confession #4: Bright Blue Skies

One of the great things about living in NYC is that although it is totally freezing in the winter, the skies are almost always bright and blue.  It is so remarkably different from the Cleveland skies I lived under while growing up that after living here for ten years it still amazes me.  The Hudson just doesn’t cause River Effect like Lake Effect in the Midwest.  It also seems to me that the coldest day of the year is always MLK Day.   On one particular MLK Day W.B.A. (Way Before Arden) in 2000, we brilliantly decided to go visit the Statue of Liberty. This excursion brought an entirely new meaning of the word cold into being.  It was so cold that they two of us and all the totally insane tourists stopped dead in our tracks and screamed when the wind blew. (Okay, Kyle was the only person not screaming.)  The walk from the ferry to the Statue was the coldest of my life.  It was completely wild being up in the crown of Lady Liberty.  It was blowing around, actually swaying from side-to-side, so much that I thought I might vomit.  The only reason I didn’t was for the sake of the young Dutch girl right in front of me.  I just did not want to suffer death by being hurled into a frigid river while trapped in an enormous green symbol of our independence.

I always think of September 11^th on days like today.  Anyone who was in NYC that day can tell you that the sky was as blue and clear as it could ever be.  In fact, it was perhaps the most beautiful sky I have ever or will ever see.  Looking at the below photo of me from that January day in 2000 makes my heart so heavy.  How will I ever be able to explain such atrocities to my daughter?

Confession #3: Words, Zabars and a Doctor's Visit

Today, Arden woke up and had had a major developmental leap overnight. "They" say it happens like that. She went to bed a walking, kinda talking baby and woke up a toddler. I thought she already had a ton of lights on upstairs but something was so different this morning. Instead of using a word here and there, she was using them everywhere. "momma, momma, pee pee, bear, peach, bar bar (cereal bar), milk, wash, tissue (yeah, no joke), knock (okay but not on the bedroom door, Daddy's still sleeping), Mew (our cat), hug (run Mew), etc. Now that I think of it, what was so different was her speaking without being prompted to do so. Also,when asked any question she replied with a clear "yes!" or "yeah" with so much inflection it stopped me in my tracks.

We headed out early to the UWS where her doctors' office is located. She was scheduled for her 18 month visit. Our doctor asked how many words she had and I really didn't know but started giving him some examples of the words she often said. She only has to have 6-10 words at this stage so we were all good. I also announced that she recently began uttering two word sentences like "momma bath"(translation “Momma, get in the bath with me”). He said that was an advanced skill more normally associated with 2 year olds. Momma bear was so proud.

As he examined her, I told him how we've all been very sick and that she was just getting better. Low and behold, he found an ear infection right at the puss stage but not yet causing her pain. We really lucked out on that one. So, with a prescription for amoxicillin and no vaccination (cue sigh of temporary relief), we headed back out onto Broadway.

Only a few blocks away lies Zabars. It is heaven on earth as long as you don't mind old ladies slamming into you with their shopping carts. For those who don't already know, Zabars is a specialty food store that has the finest available treats and food for what I would consider fairly reasonable prices. I walk in and feel like my feet might literally leave the ground even with Arden strapped onto me. The first offerings are olives and cheese. Need I say more? Maybe 25 different varieties of olives and hundreds of different cheeses. Arden and I dive into some provencal marinated black olives and big green Greek ones stuffed with red peppers to take home. We grab a beautiful soft, Brie like cheese called Saint Albray (pasteurized so those who are pregnant, take note) and stroll through the prepared food and smoked fish counters. We are headed to the baked goods counter where I'll have to settle for a loaf of their still warm rosemary sourdough-like bread since I can't take the entire operation home with me. They have slices available to try and Arden finishes hers before I even see her take one bite. Finally, for the pièce de résistance, we approach the coffee area. Zabars roasts their own beans and our very favorite one for espresso is the Vienna roast. The coffee specialists package up 3lbs for us and we are on our way. Of course, after stopping at the Zabars' Cafe right next door for fresh squeezed orange juice, the best warm ham & cheese croissant I've ever had, a donut factory glazed donut and a mochacinno. Arden sits in my lap, rests back like its Passover and we demolish our "second breakfast".

The mayhem of the day occurred later that afternoon after we returned home. Kyle and I finally got up the energy to take out our Christmas tree, which had been standing ornamentless in our home for 10 days. It had been dead for so long that, irrespective of our best efforts, it dropped 5 million needles on the way out the door. Maybe you know the type of tree, you can vacuum up what you think is every last needle and then you still find more for the next 6 months. So, I stay behind to vacuum and Kyle heads out to pick up Arden’s antibiotic. He takes the dog and brings her back dirty from head to toe due to the snowy weather, so she needed a bath. Then I decide we have to get laundry done since there is another storm on the way and it will be that much more difficult to get done tomorrow. Our army duffle bag filled with laundry is even heavier than usual because I guess we were extra messy this week. In particular, I have to wash the kitchen mat that was puked on and the dog bed that was peed on… by Arden. She accomplished that in the time between being undressed for her bath and my running the water for her bath. Go figure. I schlep the bag over to the laundromat on the corner, almost tipping over because the bag is so heavy, only to find no washers available. That happens maybe once per year so this was my unlucky day. When I try again a few hours later, I am so tired that I try to take the canister vacuum with me instead of the laundry bag. Yep. The second attempt worked out in my favor as there were two available washers. As I went back to change the laundry over into the dryers, it began to snow. It always so magical to me when it snows, even in our dingy city.

Later that evening as Kyle is putting Arden to bed, she won’t stop calling my name. They emerge from the bedroom and she shouts, “I want Momma!” Wowza. It’s going to be hard to deny her anything. I feel so wanted, needed and special until I remember how I could have sworn I heard her say “I want my bear!” yesterday.

   Our spoils from Zabars.  Note: there are no olives because Arden ate every last one. Oh, and an apple crumb cake for Daddy.

Confession #2: Coffee, Chocolate and Africa

My husband loves me. He gave me the most magnificent coffee cups for Christmas. They are white, huge and simply have the word "coffee" type-faced imprinted on the side of the cup, right were your lower lip touches when you drink.  The texture of the letters feels wonderful. The cups are so big that they completely cover your face all the way to the top of your eyebrows when you take a sip. It is a most beautiful moment of complete bliss. My morning double Americano is like a hot shower for my mouth. The fact that I can now block out all else while taking each sip makes it seem like I'm at the Ritz Carlton in the penthouse jacuzzi bath tub with room service on the way and a massage scheduled in the afternoon.

Another incredible gift I received this holiday season was cocoa dusted espresso beans. They are like an orgasm for my mouth. (I am blushing even writing that but it's true.). They came simply with the description, "One Yummy Pound" and they were not kidding. I have never had a better chocolate covered bean in my life and have already decided that they need to be set up for monthly auto-shipment. They were given to me by my sister-n-law who is an extremely good gift giver. You know how some people have it and some just don't?  She's got it and I'm not sure I'll ever be able repay her. Here are some other examples of her fabulous gifts: an adorable hand made bear hat for Arden that fit last winter and still fits this winter, a certificate to babysit for us along with CASH and a very thoughtful restaurant recommendation, and an ulu. She is a park ranger in Alaska at Denali National Park thus the Inuit knife gift. No, she does not know Sarah Palin.

Would you like to guess where she is now?  Africa. Kampala, Uganda to be specific. She is volunteering for 5 weeks in a clinic, then, climbing Kilimanjaro and going on safari and other adventures for 2 more months. Booyah.

Around week 10 she is going to Zanzibar. I don't know why that word is so familiar to me. Maybe it's just in my blood because it is an island off the east coast of Africa and it looks INCREDIBLE. I am seriously considering meeting her for the weekend. Zanzibar should be the new Caribbean as far as I am concerned. I'm going to write JetBlue about starting nonstop service. You have to look at Google map photos of this place. It looks like paradise. Absolute paradise. It may be a touch politically unstable but nothing is perfect I guess. And by seriously considering joining her I mean in my freaking dreams.

Isn't she beautiful?

The ulu promptly went into storage after this photo was taken.  Childproofing at its best.

Confession #1: One of Those Days

This seems like the perfect day to begin a blog I've been thinking about starting for a long time. The reason it is so perfect is that today has, so far, been a complete disaster. I'm not sure why I feel so compelled to share my mishaps and general bad behavior with others. It's probably a bad idea, but I just can't help myself. I guess that's the thing about confessing, you usually feel better afterward.

I woke up at 6:15am to my 1.5 year old daughter calling my name, “Momma, Momma!"  She has an incredibly loud morning voice which is fairly unnecessary considering her crib is next to our bed flush up against where I sleep.  (A causality of living in a 600 sq foot apartment.)

But, awe, you say, how sweet. And it is. Being a mother is the most wonderful of gifts and I cherish being able to love and care for my daughter. That is the foundation of who I am. Now that I have that disclaimer out of the way...

Waking up to “Momma, Momma!" is wonderful but less so when you've only had 5 hours of sleep and that is after taking an antihistamine because you’ve been crazy sick and having a daughter who is pissed that you won't bring her into bed with you pounding on the mattress screaming and trying to take your pillows away for 20 minutes at 1am.

That is how I began my morning and it continued in pretty much the same fashion. Arden wanted "peach" as she calls the organic peach banana oatmeal baby food I still let her have. Before you judge me, the bottle clearly reads 6 months +, so, she's definitely on the + side and she eats it almost entirely by herself WITH a spoon. Yeah. Who's judging now?  Baby food explanation tangent aside, Arden wanted some and I was out. That is an equation for an unhappy baby. And she is also a sick, teething baby at the moment. The fun never stops. She's had a brutal cold for a week and is also getting her second molars in. So she's a hungry, snotty, coughy, drooling mess, who wants to eat “peach” AND watch one scene from Aladdin all day long. That's right folks. I let her watch tv. I try to rationalize it every which way I can and it comes down to being a survival mechanism for me. She sits and is happy instead of trying to bite me on the back of my leg so I allow it.

And the one scene she wants to watch over and over and over?  You guessed it. I can sing you every word and almost always nail the harmony to, "a whole new world…” What have I done?

I scramble to redirect Arden to another food choice and begin to slowly start to loose it. My house is a complete mess. I mean, a disaster. I don't see myself as a particularly gross person but maybe I am since I let my house get this way. I don't even know how it happens. I'm sick, my husband and baby are sick. Hubbie is basically working two jobs, Apple Genius by day and trumpet player by night. I barely saw him earlier this week as he worked at Apple then played three shows at Mary Poppins.

Yesterday the only down time we had together was the 21 minutes it takes to watch Modern Family on hulu. You'd think we'd have had enough family all on own but there's something so entertaining about watching the trials and tribulations of other families, even when it's made up. It's not like I'm sitting around playing angry birds all day.

My home is literally bringing me to tears. Every single toy is out. Dishes in the dishwasher need to be unloaded with 2 loads waiting to go in and it's only 7:30am. Dog litter box, #1 & #2. Kitty liter box #1 & #2.  Kitchen floor so dirty it looks like Yosemite. Carpet barely visible beneath already mentioned toys and tuffs of animal fur. Christmas tree still up with no ornaments. Depressing but at least I got those down.  4 boxes of Christmas stuff that have to go to storage. CDs everywhere that the baby has pulled out and yes we've tried to block her from being able to get to them. She can now climb and tear things down so we are out of luck.

I'm not handling this very well and I'm basically acting like a crazy person. I start praying for God to deliver me from myself and realize we've got to get out of the house for a change of scenery. I figure I'll blow off some negative energy while carrying Arden around running errands. So after 30 minutes of getting dressed and snow suited up to brave the elements and a last minute of-course-after-we-are-all-ready-to-go diaper change, we head out. Into the snowstorm. It's snowing and I decide to walk to Staples to get the paper that we need for the printer. It's cheaper there than at the drugstore anyway and it'll be good to walk. We get there without too much trouble and I quickly undo any savings we would have had by buying a nicer 50% recycled paper. I just couldn't buy the cheap paper when given the option to be a bit more socially responsible so easily. All the options we have and choices that we make day in and day out are exhausting. It almost always seems like I'm choosing between saving money or doing something that's better for the environment.  And please don’t ask me why buying paper has to be such an emotional decision for me.

So we head from Staples to the grocery store and that's when my stupidity kicks in. Arden and I are shopping and I remember I have a 20% off reward that I can use on any one total purchase. So, I start getting everything we need feeling excited that even though it seems like a lot, we'll save a bit of money and I'll have plenty to eat when I get home. Well, I bit off a bit more than I could chew or rather, carry home. I had my 25lb daughter already strapped to my front in her ergo and a ream of paper in my backpack. I now added $100 (make that $80 :) worth of food to that load and it was ridiculous to be sure. A very nice youngish, Asian American woman behind me in line asked me if I needed help and how far I was going. I said I'd be all right. 1/2 gallon of milk, 3 cans of Progresso soup, 6 7 ounce yogurts, eggs, 10 jars of baby food, 4 cans of tomato sauce, ground meat for the lasagna I’m making later, bone in chicken breasts, ricotta, mozzarella, peanut butter, Swiss miss puddings (a treat for my hubbie), need I go on?  What a monstrosity I must have looked like carrying all that down 30th avenue in a snowstorm. But I definitely burned off some steam, got a change of scenery and anything that makes me laugh at myself was worth doing.

I'm not sure this imagery is necessary but my camera was there so here you are.  And, yes, that is a box of 100 calorie hostess cupcakes in the middle of my bags.  Posting on dieting in the works...

Conditions from our bedroom window.  What a view eh?