Confession #6: Staying or Going?

As any other role in life, being a stay at home mom sometimes makes me feel ecstatically happy while other times making me feel totally out-of-my-mind crazy.  Like check me into Bellevue to my heart is going to burst with joy. 

I became a SAHM (worst abbrev. ever) last August when my husband was offered a job with Apple. He gave me a gift I had always wanted.  The chance to be home and care for my already 13 month old daughter.  The funny thing is, I always had the expectation that I would be at home raising my children.  It was such a long existing and controlling expectation that I never even mentioned it to my husband.  I assumed he knew about it.  Whoops.  Probably one of the best things anyone who is married can do is to throw the phrase, “Well, I just assumed ________” out the window. To assume is to sufferer the consequences. 

So, for the past 5 months I’ve been living the dream and barely dreaming as those with kids well know.  All of those cheesy inspirational plaques with pictures of soaring eagles or waterfalls keep popping into my head. “Anything worth doing takes effort.”  Fly Pale Male, fly! Or, “Live each day to it’s fullest.” Oh, what a pretty rainbow. The reason they’ve been popping in there lately is because taking care of a baby is so much freaking work!! Sometimes it’s 8am and we’ve already eaten, done tricks with the dog, read 5 books, watched Elmo’s world, built a castle, played chase and had a dance party. All I can think of is its 5 degrees outside, I want more coffee and how am I going to keep her from watching TV for another 11 hours?  Every second you are teaching, disciplining, bathing, dressing, feeding, cleaning, changing diapers, brushing teeth, talking, singing, did I mention cleaning, and just literally running around all day.  It’s totally exhausting and absolutely as rewarding as people say it is.  You are putting in the hours and can see the reward.  Those little blue eyes look up at you with a sparkle as she giggles and calls you “Momma” and you just melt.  She can say the last word of every sentence in Madeline Loves Animals now.  She can sing, usually on pitch, some words from “Rocket Shoes”. They are among the most precious sounds I’ve ever heard.

Caring for Arden full-time makes having to leave her a completely different experience than when I was working.  Each morning when I would leave for work I would feel my heart being ripped out of my chest as I walked out the door.  Sometimes I could barely hold back the tears behind my smiles and waves.  Kyle would hear my sobbing as I walked down the stairs and I can only imagine what that did to him.  Now, on the other hand, when I leave the house I feel as though I’ve stepped onto the scene of a music video for a sassy rock song being shot in black and white where I am the girl who’s got the whole world as her oyster so watch out! Not only that but I am on my way to teach a rock band at a private school so I’m exercising that Master’s degree in Music (yea, we’re still paying it off) and I’ll tell ya, it feels good.

I call Kyle on the long walk back from the school on the East River to the subway on Lexington Avenue to see how everyone is faring.  Arden has been asleep the ENTIRE time I have been gone!  Of course she has…  He asks me where I am on my walk back and in my sans-child state of giddiness I reply, “on the corner of 1^st Avenue and I’m getting in a cab and never coming home!”  We can laugh since I’d never actually do it.