Confession #7: 10:23pm 1/29/11

My husband has a pretty brutal schedule these days which affords us about 30 minutes each evening that we can spend together without the baby.  Some of you might say that just the perfect amount of time and sometimes it is, but mostly it seems a precious few minutes of a life we once knew. We were together for many years before having a baby which is fairly normal for “young professionals” these days.  I look back on all the time we were able to spend together hanging out, dancing, playing cards, doing whatever with a sense of unbelieving nostalgia.   Did those times really exist? Most days we are usually so exhausted that it takes all of our energy during those 30 minutes not to fight let alone to get up and dance.

I remember how dramatically having an infant changed my relationship with my husband.  No matter how many people tell you that everything changes when you have a baby, there is no real way to know until it actually happens to you.  I believe that’s called learning the hard way and that’s the only way I know how to do things. 

Something happens to you when you give birth. You bring a new life into the world but also become a cold-blooded killer.  At least I know I did.  Some might call it a mother's instinct to protect her offspring. I only know that at that moment I gained the ability to kill.

Whether it's hormonal, instinct or something else entirely, having a baby completely changes how you relate to the world. The baby comes first, all else is second. Showering, eating, sleeping, husbands, other people's lives... it all comes after the safety, security and comfort of that little being.

This overnight physiological change is extremely traumatic to a marriage. I think especially for the husband. All of the sudden it's like they don't exist other than to hand you things and get yelled at for not doing something right. Thankfully infancy is a non-permanent condition. Each month as the infant grows older, it seems the demand on the parents lessens a bit from the intensity of those first few months. Even still, once a woman becomes a mother there is no going back to being a trophy wife. There simply isn't time.

Last Saturday evening, Kyle and I had a brief reprieve from the demands of life. We were not completely exhausted, likely due to our ridiculous caffeine intake, so we spent the evening having dinner and watching Dream Girls on TV. When we climbed into bed that night we held hands instead of just getting comfortable as quickly as possible so as not to wake the baby. Kyle caressed, tickled, and squeezed my hand in a conversation saying so much without saying anything at all. In that moment my heart filled to overflowing with joy. I buzzed from head to toe and my heart felt 30 times larger.  We were still "we". Us. Husband and wife. Lovers. Not only Momma and Dadda although we are still them as well. I looked at the clock to see what time it was that I'd been given this moment so that I could try to remember it for the rest of my life. Just like Blaise Pascal who my pastor often quotes, it was a moment I longed to inscribe on my heart.